True Freedom

Published on by BethanyLeave a comment

It has been a very long time since I have written anything on this blog. There were moments in the recent past when I felt inspired by a certain topic and I have notes scattered here and there, but ultimately, I never could come up with anything cohesive. As I think back to my previous posts, I can see how writing was a place to go amid uncertainty. It was a way for me to regain clarity in times of confusion and to remind myself of truths that I can hold on to. As I sit here now, it seems that I am returning to this familiar space to ground myself once more. I’ll start with a story…

When I was seven years old, I developed a very painful muscle strain in one of my legs. What began as a dull ache over the course of an afternoon turned into a few days of persistent aching. I can remember sitting on the floor of my brother’s room on the first night of dealing with it, trying to distract myself with a game of some kind, when a scary thought entered my mind:

“What if my leg is broken?”

I smile now as I recall my seven-year-old brain coming to this conclusion. But at the time, this what-if scenario filled me with terror. What if it really is broken? And what if the break is bad? And what if it needs surgery? From this point forward, through the next couple of days, these successive fears were on loop. I could not do anything without the constant pain, and the constant anxiety that something could be seriously wrong. A broken leg, after all, would be uncharted territory for me.

As I pause to consider the extent of my fear, though it’s almost hilarious now, I can’t help but remember the way that I felt at the time. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, and the whole situation began to appear increasingly helpless. This is probably why, after having taken it for as long as I could, I started crying in the line at the water fountain during school. Classmates turned to me in shock. A teacher came rushing over. Their shared exclamation, nearly in unison: “What’s wrong!?”

I proceeded to explain that my leg had been hurting really badly for the last few days and I thought it might be broken. The teacher blinked at me a few times and then said, with kindness and finality, “Oh no, it can’t be. If it were broken, you would know. You probably wouldn’t even be able to walk right now!”

What I felt at that moment was instant relief and freedom. I couldn’t even be embarrassed because of the weight that had been lifted. Here was this authority figure in my life who basically just told me I was okay. I was going to be fine. And I believed her. From that moment on, as the fear turned to a memory instead of a present reality, I began to see how much of a monster it had become in my life. It was nearly all-consuming, as fear of the unknown often is. Yet, in a moment, it was melted away – and not by the results of an X-ray, but by the word of a trusted influence.

When I reflect on this story considering current events, I am encouraged in many ways. This teacher showed kindness and regard for me during a time when she knew I was distressed. She could have easily commented on the irrational nature of my fear and sent me on my way. Now, as I work through different fears and stressors as an adult, I am moved by the boundless concern of God, who says to us:

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

God could look upon our anxieties in this world and regard each one as baseless, yet He continually reminds us that He is our helper. He joins us in the midst of pain and trial and all of our worry and lifts our heads when we are downcast.

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of promise. Mercy and kindness are crucial, and they are most effective when there is some kind of assurance attached. When my teacher told me I would be okay, though it wasn’t a promise per se, I accepted it as one. Looking back, she was right. She knew I didn’t have a broken leg. There was no way; so, she spoke to me with certainty. This causes me to ask myself, as a reminder:

With how much more authority can Jesus speak over my life, offering the security of eternal life with Him?

Suffering is not to be regarded flippantly. Our time here is full of twists and turns, unexpected pain, and genuine concerns for our immediate future. I am put at ease when God says that our afflictions are truly “light and momentary” (2 Cor 4:17). The Lord is kind. He is also sovereign. And if He is telling me that the worst of times for his children are light and momentary, then what’s to come must be infinitely more glorious than I can fathom.

Even though my faith is tested by the troubles of life, I know that the ultimate curse has been borne by Christ. Sin and death have lost their power over those who trust in Him. Because of His sacrifice, I can believe one of the most well-known promises in the Bible:

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

Jesus is mercy. Grace. Truth. Love. Jesus is King. The riches of all that God has for us in Christ is available now for us to receive, should we turn from the world and come to him. In his presence there is true freedom – forever.

He’s with Us in the Waiting

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O Come, O Come Emmanuel is one of my favorite Christmas songs. It is somber yet hopeful. The lyrics speak of both joy and sorrow, which likely reflect the sentiment of the Israelites who were waiting on the promised Messiah. I imagine that time must have seemed to pass agonizingly slowly during some moments. Had God forgotten them in their suffering? Had he turned away from fulfilling the plan He had spoken of? Of course, the answer is no. He orchestrated events in history perfectly, and at just the right time, God incarnate, Jesus Christ, came into the world He created.

When I think about this period of time, I am prone to isolate it. But when I listen to O Come, O Come Emmanuel, I’m reminded that what was true then is in many ways true now. The Messiah has come, but those who have trusted in Him are still a people waiting. We have been ransomed but have not yet reached paradise. We are in the “already, but not yet.” Many of us may navigate seasons that feel like lonely exile – seasons that make us call upon the Lord for deliverance.

For many people, this time of year is difficult. It may come with nostalgia for a time when life seemed easier and the future looked brighter. It may come with sadness about all that has changed or all that has not. The jovial glow of the season casts a dark shadow. Somehow, all is not as it should be in the world. The Israelites knew it, and we know it. They looked to God in the same manner as we do now. At times their trust may have wavered. Surely, some fell away from believing. But the Lord proved faithful. He describes Himself in Isaiah 55:10-11:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

I can’t count the number of times I’ve approached a situation where I’ve felt something was needed – a change, an answer… Some kind of breakthrough. During many of these moments, my initial reaction was not to trust a promise, but to trust in myself and what I could see with my own eyes. The more that I think about it, the more I realize how much of life is spent in this struggle. Will I believe that God truly is who He claims to be? Will my faith hold amid a seemingly endless number of temporal troubles, especially those that are so unexpected?

I am thankful for God’s sustaining grace, and I am thankful for the help that the incarnation provides to all of us who are waiting on something – anything. I imagine the eyes of the shepherds looking up into the night sky before the birth of Christ. “Where are you, Lord?” they may have asked. He did not leave nor forsake them, but was ever mindful of humanity’s deepest need. We can trust that He is aware of our needs today, even when our circumstances may tempt us to believe that He is not, or that He is paying us no mind.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? – Romans 8:32

Even when life seems dark and the apparent silence of God seems confounding, He is unceasingly present, full of compassion and mercy towards His creation. In seasons of life marked by waiting, I hope that I will grow to see this more clearly – He is with us.

Defying Fear

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Two weeks before I was set to finish my final two grad school classes, I nearly gave up. I only had a few assignments left. The end was so close. I remember sitting down to write my final paper and questioning if I would even be able to get through it. As I think about it now, I don’t believe it was that last big project I had to complete that made me want to quit. It was fear of the future. It was the fear of everything that would follow the end of this goal that I had envisioned reaching for so long.

For the past few months, fear has followed me seemingly everywhere I’ve gone. Even after I wrote my previous post about renewed confidence after a crisis of faith, fear returned to wreak havoc in my heart and mind, to a degree that I have never known until now. This is largely the reason I haven’t posted in so long. I feel as though I’ve been wandering in the desert for the past two months with nothing to offer to this blog. To be honest, there were moments when I wondered why I had even begun writing on this platform in the first place.

A few days ago, my mom and I picked up my diploma from the university and took a road trip to Waco, Texas to celebrate my graduation. She and I have always enjoyed what Chip and Joanna Gaines have done, and we’d never taken a trip with just the two of us, so we packed up to go see the Silos. I’ve realized that fear can be very audacious, and although I had dreamed of going on a trip like this for years, I had been hovering around despondency for a while and was hesitant before we left. As I admit to this, I’m saddened. But God is so merciful to us in seasons when we can’t see and can barely hang on to what we know is true – that He is always good and will provide for every need of ours in Christ (Philippians 4:19).

I wasn’t very familiar with the story of how Magnolia came into existence. I knew bits and pieces from what I had heard from friends or seen from Fixer Upper, but that was about it. The place where we were staying had a copy of The Magnolia Story, so I started reading it the evening we arrived. I was amazed by how much was written about fear and responding to an unknown future – the very thing I had been struggling with for so long. The further into the story I got, the more I could hear God speaking to me through the narrative of a couple I had never met.

When my mom and I arrived in downtown Waco initially, it was an interesting sight. It’s almost intimidatingly dilapidated in areas. It’s the kind of place that would naturally evoke unease, and given that it was already an unfamiliar one to us, I think that feeling was heightened. But I remember going to bed that night and hearing God’s voice with such clarity. He told me I was going to go out on foot and explore the next day, and that fear was not going to stand in the way.

The next morning, the first thing my mom said to me was, “We’re going to walk around today and not be afraid.” I was so glad to hear her say those words. When it was all over and we were getting ready to head home, I felt refreshed and inspired by what I had seen that day. I felt as though the foothold that fear had gotten in my life had been greatly diminished. In many ways, I felt a renewed sense of hope. All of this was completely unexpected. But it was just what I needed. And it has left me with a lot to think about.

Fear has been a part of my story for a long time. I’d like to say that I’m usually bold and courageous, and that the last few months have been a brief departure from the norm, but this would not be the truth. I’ve always given fear a place without putting up much of a fight. I think a weighty lesson that God is teaching me lately is that fear cannot be given any room. It is not of Him and must be resisted. 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to my mind:

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Another thing I’m learning is that just because God wants us to walk in a certain direction, and we know this and submit to His leading, any reservations we have (that usually bring us great discomfort) may not immediately dissipate. God brings peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7) and His timing for delivering that peace is always perfect (Psalm 18:30). When I face a frightening circumstance that He has led me to, I tend to ask for some peace in advance. I recognize that I need it for today. But what about tomorrow, and the next day…? I’m realizing that in life, there are times when we must simply defy fear. When we look at an overwhelming obstacle in our way, and when everything in us wants to turn and run, we must keep walking. Sometimes, this is what being empowered by grace looks like. It may not feel good in the moment, but with every step, God is there. And He is mighty.

When I think about God telling me to go downtown, I view it as a symbol of a larger reality that He wants in the lives of all His children. In everything, big and small, He desires for us to trust Him. This may feel risky at times, but it is the purest source of security we could ever know and leads to the greatest joy.

I don’t write this post from the perspective of someone who is beyond the valley. Because in many ways, I still struggle with the heavy weight of anxiety. And there are moments in which I feel encircled by darkness. But I’m starting to see the darkness for what it truly is – nothing. It is not even worth comparing to the power and glory of Jesus Christ. He faced the true darkness and rose victorious. If your life feels shrouded in fear or hopelessness, remember the name of Jesus. Think about, sing about, and call upon this name. Trust in this name. I say this as an encouragement to you and as a reminder to myself.  God is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

 

Magnolia Market

Doubt and Deliverance

Published on by BethanyLeave a comment

When I started this blog, my goal was to become more honest with God, myself, and with others. My goal was to know Him more fully and experience His joy more consistently. I believe that thus far, God has responded to my hope and prayer – but certainly not in the way that I was expecting. I knew that I would likely experience some measure of discouragement along the way. I never dreamed that I would begin to seriously doubt Him.

I struggled for a while regarding how to write about this subject, because I think doubts bring confusion. They bring a seemingly endless number of thoughts, questions, and fears to mind. How can I even express them all? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all my questions were essentially a version of one, giant question: Can I trust in the faithfulness of God?

This question can take so many forms because the faithfulness of God extends to every area of life. Will He sustain me, protect me, and provide for my needs? Can I trust Him with every hope and dream? Do I have the assurance that I can call upon Him at any time? And then there’s this question: Will He save me from death? I found myself asking these questions (and more) a lot last week, with an urgency that I have never experienced before. It appeared that I was walking through a crisis of faith.

When I was filled with uncertainty, the promises of the Bible became more alive. God has spoken, and His Word had to be my lamp in the darkness. My emotions and thoughts were saying one thing, and as I flipped through the pages, God was saying another. I became more aware of my need to keep these promises close – to never let them go. I felt a lot of condemnation during this time, which was one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. Even if I had the promises of God, how could I be sure that they were for me? The Bible again brought me back to the truth.

For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. – 2 Corinthians 1:20

My doubts seemed insurmountable and complicated, and one of the loudest lies was that I would certainly be condemned to death. But then my assurance eventually came rushing in at just the right time. It wasn’t complex. In fact, it was beautifully simple. It came from looking to and trusting in one person: Jesus. All the promises of God find their yes in His name. Because of Him, I can boldly approach my Father in Heaven (Hebrews 4:16). Because of Him, I can rest without fear.

I’ve certainly emphasized security and identity in nearly every post up to this point. I’ve expressed the importance of finding both of those elements in Christ alone. He is where we find our sense of self. He is where we find our place of safety. I’ve never had those beliefs tested more acutely than they have been recently: But I can say now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am better for it.

This blog is about joy. For the longest time, I believed that doubt was a detriment to faith, and as a result, to joy. How could an experience of doubting God’s faithfulness ever result in more joy, more peace, and more satisfaction in Christ? I know that for me, it has allowed me to see just how faithful He really is. When everything I knew became clouded, He was there. When all I could feel was despondency, He was there. He never left. In my doubting, I questioned if God was with me. But I look back on those moments and can see how he was continually shepherding me.

At the cross, Jesus truly was forsaken. He faced the horror of death. Because of his sacrifice, even during the worst of times, I will never be forsaken. Any valley I walk through is but a shadow of death. Because of this experience, I am more thankful for the Gospel than I have ever been. The Bible is so much dearer to me. And I am more confident that God will be with me through whatever trial I face. His grace will sustain and empower me in the fight against sin and in the fight for joy. He will comfort me during any degree of suffering. He will deliver me from death and lead me into eternal life.

This experience, I believe, will remain with me as a memorial stone to God’s unending love and faithfulness. And it has increased my joy. Psalm 40 is a passage I clung to in this time. I hope to never forget it:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. – Psalm 40: 1-3

I’m still learning how to wait patiently for the Lord. But I am more certain of this truth now: He will deliver me from destruction. He will lead me back to the rock time and time again… that rock being Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

A Place of Safety

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I feel as though I go back to the same topic in most of my writings while coming to the same conclusion in a slightly different way. Perhaps that’s true… And maybe that’s a good thing. I want to express over and over the hope that is in Christ and the radiant joy that comes from knowing Him. My pursuit of this knowledge and joy is ongoing: My prayer is that the updates are helpful.

A few weeks ago, my dad experienced a health scare that resulted in an emergency room visit and a couple weeks of uncertainty. He’s doing much better now, but ever since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, danger, and another topic that I believe will be recurring in the life of this blog – security.

After he got sick, I didn’t know what the future held. I didn’t know how serious the situation was. I was confronted with losing someone who had always been there and everything suddenly felt unsteady. Eventually, he started to improve. A sense of normalcy returned. Yet, I was still anxious. And to be honest, I couldn’t really pinpoint why at first. With this ordeal seemingly in the past, I didn’t see why I would still be overcome with fear.

Jesus describes Himself as the good shepherd (John 10:11). I think over the past few weeks I’ve gained a deeper understanding of this reality. He had to shepherd me through realizing a truth that until this time had not dawned on me with such force: Earthly comforts are not promised. In fact, if there’s one thing we can count on, it’s suffering. Jesus made this known (John 16:33), but at the same time, He gave us one of the greatest comforts of all – “I have overcome the world.” I was deeply affected by the thought of losing a loved one, but my eyes were opened further.

I began to think about all the comfort, security and belonging that I’ve sought in sources other than God, and initially, I was overwhelmed. I thought I had pinpointed those things already. But the ground that I had apparently been standing on for a long time was shifting beneath my feet, and I knew there were still worldly things I hadn’t yet surrendered. I needed a solid rock on which I could stake my life. Something permanent. Something eternal.

A few posts ago, I talked about how it seemed like everything in my life was being shaken. But one thing I didn’t mention is perhaps the most persistent question that has come with it. Lately I’ve found myself asking: Is there a place for me? A place where I can be free from danger and where I can rest without fear? Jesus has given the answer in John 14: 2-3. It’s yes:

In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also.

The glorious truth is that we can look forward to this sanctuary later and experience a refuge now.

When loneliness comes. When persecution comes. When the pain of sickness and death comes. When we feel struck down in every way and it appears that we’ve been stranded in the open with nowhere to hide – we are never alone. There is a place for us to bank on in Heaven. And there is a place of peace we can enter today. A place of communion with God Himself. A place of assurance that nothing can separate us from His love that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39). And if nothing can separate us from His love, then what can the world do to us? In the only way that truly matters, nothing. There is place for us and it’s not going anywhere.

What I’ve learned is that God is the greatest provider. He will never desert me in times of trouble. I haven’t reached my Father’s house yet and will certainly be faced with difficulties along the way, but there is always a place of safety in His presence where I can run, knowing that I will be secure there forever.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-3

God’s Gracious Gifts

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I’m currently taking a leadership class, and it’s given me a lot of insight into how I interact with others when I’m in a position to lead them. Let me just note at the outset: I’m realizing I don’t have much leadership experience to draw from to begin with. But I’m happy for the learning experience, especially considering that leading is not always done in official capacities. We all have opportunities to influence others in some form, whether it be at work, school or in friendships.

One element of leadership that we focused on this week is how to encourage the strengths of other people, and it made me think about spiritual gifts. It’s so cool that God has apportioned to everyone certain abilities that help them to fulfill His calling on their lives. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that the Lord is equipping me to do a valuable work in this present time, and I instead act as though I’m just floating through this life without a clear directive. I don’t always know where I’m being led and there are many times when I have questions about the future, but I can trust that God has a purpose in every season and He will empower me to carry it out with the gifts that the Holy Spirit provides.

I think there are a lot of treasures regarding the nature of spiritual gifts that I have yet to unearth through the scriptures, prayer, and through life experience. But there are a few memories that come to my mind that make me thankful for God’s grace in providing for us to do what he wills. I’ll share this one specifically:

Last summer, I was asked to be a youth counselor at a weeklong Christian camp. Let me express this clearly: I was terrified. Maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but I felt largely unqualified to do the job – mainly because I had never even been to a summer camp as a kid. I had no prior youth counseling experience. Yet, despite all of these seemingly glaring disqualifiers, I felt that this was something the Lord wanted me to do. I couldn’t escape it. So I packed up and went, having only a minimal idea of what to really expect. It turned out to be an experience that I will honestly value and remember for the rest of my life, not because I was able to prove myself as having superior counseling abilities – but because God provided for me. He made a way when I was somewhat apprehensive about how things would turn out.

Does that story relate to spiritual gifts? In some way, I think it does. Because even though I’m not sure that I discovered a substantial calling in my life during that time, I learned a lot about God’s ways in apportioning tasks. If I would have decided to go or not go based on my perceived abilities, I would have stayed home… God wanted to show me that he is the decisive giver of every good and perfect thing (James 1:17). Every mission he sends us on and every job he gives us to do comes from him. And the same goes for spiritual gifts. Perhaps the gifting he provides you will surprise you. But he is the decisive giver, and he regularly uses our proclaimed weaknesses to show his strength.

I don’t think about others’ giftings as often as I should, but I want to be more discerning and encouraging of them. Each member of the body of Christ has a crucial role to play, and as we function in a unified manner according to what we’re given, earth-shaking things can happen. Genuine service can happen. And that’s one element of leadership that has been stressed several times in my class already: Service.

I think service can seem daunting. It does to me sometimes. What should I do specifically, and how? What strategies should I employ? I’m thankful that in Christ there is no need for confusion or human striving. God will make a way for us to will and to work for his good pleasure (Philippians 2:13). He’ll show us where to go when we submit to him (Proverbs 3:5-6). He’ll gives us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). He’ll give us all the power we need (Romans 8:11).

I’m praying that in everything God gives – every calling, gifting, every season that he brings me to – that he will provide me with the grace to be a good steward. I’m praying that he’ll show me how to serve as Jesus served, and that he will make me one who always encourages. I’m praying that he’ll help me to fix my eyes on the Kingdom coming. It’s going to be great.

When Everything is Shaken

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I began to struggle in faith a few months after I became a Christian. I can’t even recall what I was experiencing at the time specifically, but I remember feeling very shocked by it all. “Why is this happening? Where has the peaceful quietness gone?” I didn’t understand why I was being confronted with issues I thought had been left in the past. I was a new creation now, after all. I was very glad to find 1 Peter 4:12 -13 in this time. It provided so much comfort:

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

As I began to read the scriptures more and learn about what the Christian life entails, I became more aware of the fact that I was being refined. God was molding me into the image of Christ over time, causing me to be more like Him in my words, thoughts and actions.

I can confidently say today that the refining process is not yet complete. I may never admit to it or even consciously think about it, but I know there are times when I feel I’ve learned all there is to learn. I often don’t ask the Lord to prepare me for or guide me through future tests. In many ways, the fiery trials of life are still catching me by surprise. But I do think I’m learning something significant in this turbulent season of life which will strengthen me for what lies ahead:

I’m learning how to die.

For a long time, I wanted to hang on to my control, my dreams, my fears, and everything else that seemed natural for me to cling to. I thought I had surrendered to Christ in the capacity that was required of me. But anything less than everything is not enough. God is emptying me of all I’ve hoped in and held on to that is not Him. All confidence I’ve placed in myself is falling. He’s showing me what it means to die to self. But in the process, he is showing me what it looks like to truly live.

Lately, it feels like so many aspects of my life are being shaken. I think that’s what comes with testing oftentimes. We’re shaken to the core, and the question is: In whom will we trust? And who will we serve? Where is our hope ultimately found? God is revealing where my trust, devotion, and hope have not been found with Christ. And through it all, he’s leading me back to the cross.

At the cross, when I was unfaithful, he was faithful.

At the cross, when I had no future, he gave me a future.

God is still faithful, and he still has a future for me. It’s a future so worth rejoicing in – eternity with him. When my whole world is shaking, I want to believe the promise and the beauty of that hope and future more than anything else. I want to believe that worldly things are of no comparison to the riches of knowing Christ. I want to face the fiery trials of this life head on, not relying on myself, who has died, but on the power of the Holy Spirit, who lives in me.

If I could add one more thing about this time of testing and refinement, especially in reference to that last sentence, it would be this: I am weak. I feel weak. I feel unable, in every way, to conform to the image of Christ. To live in sincere joy, trusting him wholly. But God is fully able and willing to do what I simply cannot do. He will do it.  I can ask, seek, and knock, believing that he will respond.

Friend, I encourage you to do the same. He knows your every need.

Out of Hiding

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This is going to be difficult to write. And I’m not sure if I’m writing to an audience or if this is just something I need to put down on paper for my own remembrance. But my hope is that it’s helpful, and that it at least somewhat adequately conveys what I believe the Lord has been doing in my heart lately.

I remember once when I was in the third grade, I wrote a short story and decided to share it one afternoon with my class. I don’t remember any feelings of fear or apprehension – just the love of writing and the excitement of expressing it to other people. I can’t recall how the story was received, but oddly, it didn’t really matter. Approval wasn’t the main event.

It’s funny to me that I have this memory from the third grade of uninhibited expression, because it seems that shortly after this event I started to become more concerned with the opinions and possible criticism of others. I became much less likely to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas – even if I had a strong sense that I should. Essentially, I became self-conscious. And this self-consciousness persisted throughout middle school, into high school, into college, and as I am sitting here typing, it is still something I’m dealing with. I’m looking at that last sentence. I didn’t know until recently that I was dealing with it, but oh yes, I am.

I think I really began to accept that I was an insecure person in high school, and my consistent thought was, “This a confidence issue.” If I could just be more confident in who I was and not care so much about what others thought, I would be good. I would be free. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t escape the fear of not being accepted and it created in me an anger and a bitterness that colored all that I did. Other people may or may not have been aware of it, but I was.

In college, the anger and the bitterness that accompanied being insecure followed me. However, there was a profound sweetness on the horizon. Because in the spring of my freshman year, Jesus Christ made himself known to a self-proclaimed Christian. He met me in a place of deep sadness and showed me love, grace, and peace. He showed me that I was a sinner in need of a savior and that only he could satisfy.

He showed me that self-consciousness was not a confidence issue. It was a shame issue.

I didn’t need more confidence in my own merits and goodness. I needed the assurance of HIS love and goodness.

I have great parents who have always supported me. I’ve had encouraging friends throughout my life. But I needed the love of my creator to become real to me. He knows every sin I’ve committed, every evil thought and deed, much more clearly than I know them myself. If I could have his love, then the shame would have no grip on me. The Lord of the universe cares and died for me? How could shame compete with the forgiveness of God and an eternal relationship with him?

That was four years ago. And in the time that has passed since then, I have been challenged beyond what I could have comprehended. But I have also been comforted and renewed beyond what I could have hoped for. God certainly does not leave us where he found us. But we backslide. We struggle.

I think I can admit now that I’ve backslidden into a place of self-consciousness more dramatically than I was aware of. It doesn’t look the same as it did when I was in high school or college, so I didn’t recognize it at first. These things can manifest themselves in different ways. For me these days, it looks a lot like control – wanting to have everything together, sticking to a plan, saying the right things, doing the right things, discipline through my own strength, the self-willed pursuit of perfection.

Recently, as the Lord has been leading me through my trail of meticulously crafted and controlled statements, ideas, and plans, I found that my ways have not been getting me closer to His heart. In love, he’s brought me somewhere far more sinister. He’s showing me that I have, in a profound sense, been running from him. I’ve been like Adam and Eve in the garden, hiding from vulnerability and from giving all that I have to my God. I’ve tried to avoid the beautiful mess that comes from living wholeheartedly, because I’m afraid of failure, criticism and embarrassment. I’ve been afraid of being put to shame.

But there’s more sweetness to share because of the love of Jesus.

I’m so thankful today for this love. I’m thankful that those who wait on the Lord will NEVER be put to shame (Isaiah 49:23) and that they can come boldly before the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16). Those who have believed on Jesus have received the Spirit of adoption as sons and daughters of a Father in Heaven (Romans 8:15). Today I believe more clearly than I have in a long time that these truths and promises are for me. I can pour out my heart before God with fearless abandon because his love is true and faithful.

We don’t have to hide in the darkness. We can be deeply known and deeply loved. And when we experience this love, we will know all the security we’ll ever need. We can be vulnerable, and sometimes, we can be a mess. And we can live with wholehearted freedom.